Blog 7

This blog is a rant on Food Network. Fans of the channel should be able to follow along and understand what I'm talking about. I believe that if Food Network did away with the "chef's" I'm about to rant on, they would be a more successful network and gather many more viewers.

Rachel Ray is a multi millionaire. This is a subject I could rant about for hours. In fact, some of my friends have had the unfortunate opportunity to hear my rants and back-sided comments about my arch-nemisis - Rachel Ray. God, even uttering her name…. just typing her name… makes my mouth purse, my body shiver and I find myself making a gagging sound. To quote the immortan JC Jesmok, "Oh God, I hate Rachel Ray! 30 minute meals?! I can make a meal in 5 minutes! $40 a day?! We can't all live like kings, you know." For this reason, I try my best to stay away. Emeril Lagasse gives me the same reaction every time I see him BAM!ing or GARLIC!ing or ADDING A GLASS OF WINE, WHOA!ing. I’m now getting a skin rash. But, I must get through this post. If I save just one, JUST ONE person through my mission, I will feel satisfied.

I digress. At least Emeril owns his own restaurants, has been a head chef, went to culinary school and has a decent show where he’s not feeding into this whole idea of producing a food TV show that’s “safe, fun and absolutely k-razy" that seems to be overtaking the stupid Food Network these days. Where are the REAL cooks? Where are the REAL chefs? Where are the cooks that look like the people I know? They sure don’t look like Rachel Ray or Giada DiLaurentis and her Barilla pasta recipes (don’t even get me started). If I even begin to discuss Sandra “Life-size blow-up doll” Lee and her “tablescapes”, I may pass out of exhaustion. Food Network needs to remember that people like to buy from people that look like them. My newest nemesis - or nemesis’s (if that’s even a word) - Ingrid Hoffman. I’m not saying that the Food Network must get someone who even kind of looks Latino or has a Latino name, and I know she was raised in Columbia and has a restaurant in Miami, blah blah blah. But, it’s just hard to swallow why Food Network continues to make these choices. It just doesn't makes sense. Why does Food Network keep choosing more aesthetically beautiful “cooks” who are “entertaining” and “Caucasian-looking” over a host who can actually cook something. Is it just me? Does it make sense to you?

I feel as though Rachel Ray catapulted the Food Network into changing the momentum of what the network originally stood for. Remember the old days of Molto Mario and a few minorities like that Curtis guy? When Emeril said BAM! only once every other show and it was barely animated? Sara Moulton was the hottest woman on the network - and one of the more exciting in personality? Her voice may sound like nails on a chalkboard, but she’s not even annoying because she was being herself! Not some animated cartoon character brainwashed to grab ratings.

Now, to the positives (still mixed with a few negatives… come on, what do you expect?). Mario Batali is still a part of the Food Network. He continues to show intelligence, passion and vision (NOT ANYMORE - YOU’VE COMPLETELY LOST IT FOOD NETWORK!). Emeril’s “Essence of Emeril” is still on and continues to make me hate Emeril, but I forget all of that when I pass through the channel and catch a glimpse of that other show I love so much-Iron Chef America! Except that boring, we-have-no-other-woman-who

-has-a-degree-from-a-culinary-school-to-represent-women-on-this-show-so-we-were-forced-to-choose-this-chick, Cat Cora. CAT CORA!?! WHAT!!??! I can barely watch this show when she is on! If I have to see her create boring dishes and win again (I swear, the shows she’s on are fixed recently - probably because her losses were starting to be greater in number than her wins!). Anywho, back to the positives. Alton Brown is still a part of the Food Network. He’s smart, witty, nerdy and cool all at the same time. He really does know his stuff and I enjoy anything he’s a part of (he makes watching a Cat Cora Iron Chef tolerable). Sara Moulton is still kind of on at a weird time when only stay-at-home-mom’s and the unemployed have time to watch TV. I’m not sure if she makes new episodes. One last positive, Bobby Flay. I can’t believe I’m writing this. I just recently started kind of liking Bobby Flay. I’ve always thought he had talent, but his ego just rubbed me the wrong way. Ever since he has been willing to deflate his ego (losing a few times at Iron Chef America and losing most times on Throwdown), I’ve realized he’s not so bad. I do think he’s a good and creative chef (except that “3 Sauce” trademark needs to go).

I think I've ranted enough for now. But, I missed the chance to discuss Michael “Seriously, I’m a real Italian-American! Did you hear me pronounce mozzarell? gobba-goo? Proccuit? Did you see how many hand gestures I make?!” Chiarello or Ina “Do I make anything other than roasted chicken?” Garten. That can be for a later note. Thanks for reading my rant. I know I'm not alone with all this… please, tell me I’m not alone...